I got one of those recorded announcements on my phone last night. It said, “Congratulations, you have won either £100 in cash or tickets to see an Elvis Presley tribute band. Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show...” A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts, "Right, who's been ******g my wife?" A voice in the back shouts "You don't have enough bullets, mate…” My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive. Apparently the response of, "Don't worry babe, your boobs cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for. I should get out of this hospital in a day or two... A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore backside. He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper, "Nah then, does tha' sell arse cream?" The shopkeeper replies "Aye lad we do, does tha' want a Magnum or a Cornetto?" My wife was down in the dumps. She phoned me at work the other day and said, "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help". So I sent her a timetable. I can't stop thinking about prisons – but then my mind works in strangeways. I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else. My mate is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it?. Does he hell!
Not bad David! A famous woman had a rose named after her and she was flattered until she read the description of the rose, which said, no good in a bed but fine up against a wall! A famous American once said, I got married by a judge but I should have asked for a jury!
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, ‘I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.’ The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, ‘Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice.
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?’ ‘What dear,’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ‘I think you're bad luck.....’
God says to Adam, ‘What would you like in a wife?’ ‘Hmmm,’ says Adam, ‘I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me.’ ‘Hmmmm’, God says, ‘I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.’ ‘Oh,’ says Adam, ‘Well what can I get for a rib?’
Very good chaps Life's been mega busy for me of late, moving and at the same time trying to extend the unit, so me and my good lady went away to Dorset for a few days to get away from it all. We visited Poole Quay, lulworth cove amongst others, and on our way home, we stopped at beaulieu where we saw a classic car garage in the village. Jaguar e-type and a classic Bentley took the front row of the showroom. As We approached the front door of the showroom, this was stuck to the inside of the door facing outwards........ It's a bit squashed as its sent from an iPad, though its still readable Made me chuckle
Gut strolls into a bar own by a bartender with a very bad humped back. Customer: "Give me a shot of whiskey bartender" Bartender: "Right away, sir, that will be 5 dollars" Customer: (thinking to himself) Man that's high! Oh well.... Customer looks around, finishes his drink and decides that was pretty good, why not one more... Customer: "Bar tender another one, this time an old fashioned" Bartender: "sure thing, sir" That will be 10 dollars" Customer, thinkig to himself: (my God these prices are high...) At this time the bartender strolls over and says to the customer- "sir, since you were so kind and did not make fun of my humped back the next drink is on the house!" Customer looking quite surprised says: Humped back, huh, my God man I thought that was your ass, everything else in here is so high!!!"
Stephan ! Are you suggesting that Britain have soft police and rubbish chefs ? Are you ? Are you !!! Yeah ok , good point
It's the bit about the French mechanics that worries me, Ray - I think I hear the sound of Madame Guillotine being trundled out into the town square. Luckily the Scarlet Pimpernel came along and rescued me when I said French lamps were like their cars i.e. stylish but complicated...
